A Survivalist Guide To Never Having To See Your Roommates

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Ahhh, New York City.

The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. Jay-Z and Beyonce’s concrete jungle. Well, unless you’re actually Queen Bey and her hubby (and most of you aren’t, as hard as you may try), the odds of you being able to afford your own place are slim to yeah-f*cking-right. Hence, the one word that everyone over the age of 25 dreads: ROOMMATE.

But what if I’m an introvert who only interacts with Siri and the occasional delivery guy? Glad you asked, Ashlyn.* Below are 10 ways to completely avoid your roommate for the unforeseeable future.

*I’m guessing that your name is Ashlyn because you’re probably a hip millennial (with a cool hybrid name like Ashlyn) who's looking to move to NYC for the first time. Also, shout out to all the girls who have fun boy names like Blake or Ryann. That definitely wasn't even on parents' radar back in the '80s when I was growing up (yes, I'm old 👵🏻).


A Survivalist Guide To Never Having To See Your Roommates

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1. WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR TO ASK IF YOU ARE OKAY/EVER COMING OUT, CASUALLY SCREAM "WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY!" THEN BLAST THE BEST OF KENNY G OR ENYA BECAUSE #HEAVYMETAL IS FOR SISSIES.*

*Actually Kenny G has a pretty hilarious Twitter account. You should definitely follow him. #saxsogood

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2. IF YOU HAVE A DOORMAN, HAVE HIM ESCORT YOU TO YOUR ROOM LIKE YOU'RE A MOTHERF*CKING KARDASHIAN GETTING TO YOUR CAR.*

*Make sure you are wearing oversized sunglasses and shunning the flash photography happening around you (also coming from your doorman).

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3. AVOID ALL REQUESTS FOR A HOUSE MEETING. IF YOU MUST ATTEND, CALL IN FROM YOUR ROOM. AT LEAST YOUR ROOMMATES WILL KNOW YOU'RE NOT DEAD.*

*You can also just pre-record general youthful answers and salutations like “New phone who dis, I can’t even, and We’re out of La Croix" and blare them from your room.

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4. SPEAKING OF DEAD PEOPLE, WEAR A BLANKET OVER YOUR HEAD AT ALL TIMES SO WHEN YOU DO HAVE TO COME INTO CONTACT WITH YOUR ROOMMATES THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE A GHOST. HEY, FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT, #AMIRIGHT?*

*Adding ghost sounds and inviting friends to join in is not only fun it’ll lead to a greater chance of roommate avoidance. 

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5. IF YOU'RE LIVING IN A CAVE (IN WHICH CASE, CONGRATS ON LIVING ALONE) AND YOU AREN'T ON VENMO, PAYPAL, OR SPLITWISE, SLIP AN ENVELOPE WITH

YOUR RENT CHECK UNDERNEATH YOUR DOOR ON THE 1ST OF EVERY MONTH. PREFERABLY RIGHT AS YOUR ROOMMATE IS WALKING BY.*

*Extra points if you actually hit your roommate’s feet with said envelope. 

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 6. HIDE BEHIND A PLANT.*

*This is a great time to break out your cute camo gear.

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 7. INVITE THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR OVER TO REHEARSE. EVERY DAMN DAY.

*Just because.

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8. SHOWER AT THE GYM.*

*In fact, do everything at the gym. Eat your meals out of vending machines (or juice bars if you’re fancy), shower and primp (back at home your idea of a sauna is taking a scorching hot shower with the bathroom door closed and the gap blocked with a towel), flirt with the manager (nothing wrong with throwing a trainer in there too for good measure), stay until close (hopefully your roomie is passed out/asleep by then). No judgement for taking a nap during yoga class. Warning: this might lead you to being in the best shape of your life. 💪🏻

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9. WHEN REALLY IN A BIND, HIRE SOMEONE FROM TASKRABBIT TO INTERACT WITH YOUR ROOMMATES. SEND HIM/HER TO "FAMILY DINNER," YOUR ROOMMATE'S IMPENDING UCB 101 IMPROV SHOW, SIGNING OF THE LEASE.*

*This might cost you extra but let’s face it, it’s the best $20 you’ll ever spend.

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AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS…

10. GET A JOB WORKING FROM HOME, STAY IN YOUR BED, BUY A MINI FRIDGE AND A HOT PLATE, STOCK UP ON RAMEN, AND WAIT FOR YOUR LEASE TO EXPIRE. OR AT LEAST UNTIL YOUR NEXT ROOMMATE ARRIVES...

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NOW ONTO TACKLING THE NEXT BIGGEST PROBLEM AS AN NYC RESIDENT...

BED. BUGS. 

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